Doing some holiday shopping seemed to set me on the road to non-humbugery. There is a high probability that is not a word but if there is one thing I have learned is that a hyphen heals all.
The snow falling on me while shopping didn’t hurt either and discovering some new restaurants and coffee shoppes certainly helped. Who knew Boulder could support a few more. With the micro brew industry and the coffee cabal this town has cornered the market on depressants and stimulates. So before I wander over to my espresso maker I will post the next installment of my Black Friday series. It seems to be uplifting my mood and I believe it’s attracting new fans, people who are too exhausted to click on the remote and whose browser just happened to stumble by this blog.
Without further ado I give you “Black Friday: The Gathering (Vintage Vendetta)”
Larry had been moping all afternoon. Xena was gone and he could not fill the void left behind. No matter how he reconnected his pieces he still had a big gap somewhere.
Yo had to listen to Larry whine all afternoon and it was killing him. It was time for some action, besides the only lubricant he had only worked on Yo-Yo(s).
“All right Larry quit your belly aching. It’s clear you are not going along with my ‘there is another XBox just around the corner’ philosophy. Besides I admit you were right, Xena had that certain whatever the French say she had.”
“A certain I don’t know,” replied Larry.
“Yea I don’t know either but you know what I mean,” said Yo.
“My point is we need to go get her. You’re not the only one who had a narrow escape from that vintage collector Larry.”
“If I recall correctly his name is Vince,” said Larry.
“Vince? Like short for Vintage? Your kidding me,” exclaimed Yo.
“Hey I don’t make these names up . That’s some other guys job,” replied Larry.
“Well this Vince guy has put the fear of Mattel in a lot of old toys I know and quite a few would be willing to help,” said Yo.
“You don’t say. And you can round them up in a moment’s notice?” asked Larry.
“Yep,” said Yo as he winked. “They’re also living here on the down low.”
“How come I don’t know them?”
“ Because as a box Larry you tend to be, um how do I put this, mobility challenged.”
“Fair enough. So who are these toys?”
“I’ll tell you what. I will go round them up and introduce you to them,” replied Yo.
“Ok Yo. I’ll be here moping.”
“Ok, but you better snap out of this funk by the time I get back or you won’t be able to inspire the other toys to march into the mouth of danger.”
“Mouth of danger?” asked Larry.
“Hey I don’t make up these metaphors. That’s some other guys job.” laughed Yo and added “I’ll be back.”
“Was that an Austrian accent?” asked Larry. But Yo was gone. I could have sworn that was an Austrian accent.
Yo soon returned leading a parade of refugee toys. Larry took one look and thought he was suffering from flashbacks. If he listened carefully he could have sworn he heard either Wagner or maybe the theme to the three stooges playing in the background.
“Form up on me everyone.” ordered Yo.
It was clear he was either getting into the proper spirit of the moment or suffering from delusions of grandeur. Larry was voting for the latter.
There was a clatter of chaos and then from under a pile of what appeared to be every popular toy of the 70’s the voice of Yo could be heard screaming “I meant literally folks.”
“I think that’s figuratively Yo,” shouted Larry.
“Yea, they know what I mean.”
“No, it’s obvious they don’t. That’s why you are currently buried by them.” replied Larry.
A few moments later the pile had broken up and had formed a nice neat line.
Strutting in front of the line, as much as a Yo-Yo can strut, was Yo.
“Alright Larry, let me introduce our volunteer army or what I like to refer to a Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”
“Yo, you are starting to suffer delusions of grandeur.”
“What? Grand Illusion?” I didn’t know you were a Styx fan?” asked Yo.
“Um, up until they became a love ballad smorgasbord but I meant that you are starting to let your ego run away with you. Besides, you make them sound like elves and that is not going to inspire fear in anyone let alone Vince the collector”.
“Vince the collector. Sounds like a hit man.” laughed Yo.
“Well it’s definitely scarier than Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”
“Ill give you that. We can come up with a name later. Let me introduce them to you. Starting from your left and proceeding to your right…”
“Yo, I’m a box of legos I have no hands.” interrupted Larry.
“Yea, but you know what I mean. This here is Major Matt Mason. He is an astronaut toy from the 60’s. 1966 I believe. “
“He looks to be in good shape considering his age,” stated Larry.
“Larry, may I remind you that your shape is a box and you don’t have a right to comment on the shape of others”.
“Yea, that’s fair Yo. So what can he contribute to the effort?” asked Larry.
“Ahem, Let me answer that,” replied the Major as he step forward and saluted.
“I have years of space training at the Mattel Space Camp.” stated the Major.
“Well that’s nice Major but we won’t be going into to space,” replied Larry.
“Well I have a moon rover and a really cool Jet Pack that can move us along a zip line,” added the Major.
“Welcome aboard Major,” said a smiling Larry.
“Next we have Betsy Wetsy,” said Yo pointing to a baby.
“But Yo ,” whispered Larry. “She’s a baby and need we go into whether her name is literal or figurative?”
“Hmm, you have a point,” said Yo and added “Sorry Betsy. I think you could help us better on the home front.”
“Our next volunteers are brothers Jan and Stosh the Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
They’re Polish and they claim to have inspired a generation of Polish boxers. I don’t know if that’s true but I’m not going to question them. I think they will come in handy if we get in a bind and need some muscle.”
“That’s a good point Yo. Welcome aboard gentlemen.” Larry did a double take and asked Yo.” “Is it me or is his neck unusually long?”
Yo looked at the robots and said “Hey Stosh, or Jan, whichever; Please re-engage your neck spring. It’s freaking Larry out. Don’t worry Larry it goes back down. It’s part of their design.”
“Yo, who is that box there,” whispered Larry.
“Oh that there is Spirograph. He’s an artist.”
“We will not have time for art on this mission Yo,” stated Larry.
“Yea, I knew you would say something like that.” interrupted Spirograph. “No body appreciates art.”
“That’s not true,” uttered Larry. “I would love it if you could whip something up to inspire the troops.”
“You got it,” replied the Spirograph. “Do you have any drawing paper?”
“We’ll find you some in a moment,” replied Yo
The introductions carried on for a while and when they were done they had assembled a nice unit of specialists ready to mount an assault on Vince the collector and take back Xena.
“Larry I think you left out Mr. Potato Dude over there,” whispered Yo.
“Yes on purpose. We can’t afford the law suit that would entail,” replied Larry.
“Oh yea. I see your point.”
“Yo. You mentioned that several of these toys had some problems with Vince. Do they know where he lives?” asked Larry.
“You mean his lair,” replied a Batman action figure (of the Adam West variety).
“Um, yes I guess you could call it that.” replied Larry.
“Robin and I were once a captive of the one you call Vince the collector. I can lead you to his lair in the dark if I have to”.
“Yo, Who is this Robin that he speaks of?” asked Larry.
“Keep it down will you. That is a sore subject. They parted ways and it wasn’t pretty.”
“Oops, my bad,” said Larry and then added “That would be great Mr., um, Batman.”
“It’s just Batman my boxlike friend.” replied Batman.
“Very well, Batman. You will lead us to the collector’s lair.”
Larry looked upon the rag tag group of toys that represented his last hope of seeing Xena again and shuddered. They’re not the dirty dozen but their all I have, he thought.
Will Spirograph finally be recognized as a true artist? Can Batman find Vince’s lair and if so will Xena trust her future to this collection of stooges? Do Jan and Stosh speak english or will the author have to translate?* What will Vince do when he finds out that Xena is not a vintage Pong game?These answers and what ever the author dreams up after a late night snack to follow.
* He can if they just want to order lunch in a diner with soda water and/or beer.