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The Epic Saga of The Armchair Quarterback

Since my football team, the Chicago Bears, are not playing today and since their QB is currently injured I thought I would reprise an older post I had on my old blog. It was in defense of the Bears QB who had been called soft by a portion of the  sports ‘reporting’ community.  Enjoy.

The battlefield lay prone below the sky and the intense rays of the sun.  The  300 warriors were coalescing their forces for possibly their final battle of the season.  The fight had already lasted half the afternoon and fatigue and injuries had taken their toll on the combatants. They could no longer protect their General, Jayus Cutlerous. He was a stoic leader with the heart of battle hardened warrior. But he too was battered from a  full season of conflicts supported by green troops who often times failed to protect him as well as they should.

The 299 gathered around their leader to listen to the news that could be their death nell. He had taken a pounding and sustained  injuries that would prevent him from continuing to lead them in battle. “Well thats it then” stated the battlefield tactician Loveticus Smithopolous. No longer can you lead us into battle. You can barely stand.”

“That is not true let me give it one more shot” asked Jayus as he stood once more only to collapse once again.

“No it is obvious you would do more harm to yourself and the team if you were to continue” stated Loveticus.

“Perhaps, but what of the gladiator code?” pleaded a dejected Jayus. “What of Bretticus Farver, uh, Favreous, I can never get the name right but you know of who I speak of and his deeds of glory that have spread across the land . What of  Maurice Jones of Drewious  and Dionious Sanderpopolis  and their recent comments.”

“Jayus , let me address these one at a time. As for Bretticus Farver, uh well you know who.  He always did more harm than good on the battlefield.”

“You mean when he was injured?” interjected Jayus.

“Um, yea that is what I meant. And this Maurice Jones of Drewious you speak of. Is he a great warrior and spoke of often across the land?”

“Well,” said Jayus. ” He is a warrior. He fights for the Jaguars in the south.”

Loveticus snickered and replied “Oh, that explains it.  They have never gotten to the  the final battle. Well when he makes it into ValHalla then let me know, until then he should be silent.  As for Sanderpopolis he was a warrior and had great speed which he used mostly to avoid being hit.”

“I see what you mean Loveticus. But can I ignore the statements of Clayus Mateus who is on his way to the final battle.”

“Please,” laughed Loveticus. “From Mateus they are more utterances than statements. I am surprised he can string more than a few syllables together. Yes, he is on his way to the final battle and seems to be talked of across the land but the public is fickle and swayed by his long golden locks. Which, by the way , I happen to know their weight in ounces is greater than his IQ.”

“ No Jayus. Do not listen to these has beens , flavors of the month and the soon to be forgotten. I council you to instead turn to those warriors whose deeds have stood the test of time, took them to Valhalla or the final battle  and in some cases had a trophy named after them. Turn to such hallowed combatants  as Joseph Theismanous and Dickus Butkisious.  True men of war who won the ultimate battle or achieved the honor of entering Valhalla  and in the case of Butkisious looked back on playing hurt and decided he had more than enough  brain cells to know better.”

“Thank you Loveticus I will reflect on you words of wisdom” replied a grateful Jayus.

“So were done here?”

“Yes,” replied Steve  the re-enactor playing Loveticus. “But take what Loveticus, er I, said seriously.  This battle stuff  is just a  good way to get some exercise and fresh air while were young.  You don’t want to get to the point where at the ripe old age of 45 you have to have someone push you to a mirror only to have to them explain to you that the man in the mirror is you.  Go home and get some ice on that knee”

“Food for thought” said Jayus, known to the other re-enactors as Frank.

“Its just as well we finished early. “Its my turn to pick up the little one from T-Ball practice. It looks as though my minivan is blocked in. Who are those guys in those trucks  anyway?”

“Well, for the sake of the re-enactment were calling them scribes but they are really sports reporters.”

“Did they have scribes back in the day of the 300” asked Frank.

“ Well were not exactly sure but we figure where ever there are sweaty men grappling there are other men with no       knowledge and plenty of opinions to give advice. Some times they are hard to tell apart from the spectators.”


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