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Airline Delay Jeopardy.

“Welcome to Airline Delay Jeopardy the game that costs you time , patience and maybe a few years of your life.

“Lets welcome our next contestant Dan. He is an engineer from Colorado. Welcome to Airline Delay Jeopardy Dan.”

“Thanks Alex but they know who I am, I was just here.”

“Oh contraire Dan. It may look like the same set as our other game “Airline Fee Jeopardy”  but the stakes are quite different. You will be risking your precious time , patience and perhaps your entire trip.”

“I suppose you want me to be excited about that also Alex?”

“ Of course Dan. What could be more invigorating than the apprehension you feel from your first flight delay to finally boarding, perhaps hours and even days in the future.”

“Yea , be still my beating heart Alex”.

“Are you ready to play Dan?”
“ Do I have a choice Alex?”

“No , No you don’t Dan so put on your big boy pants and lets play “Airline Delay Jeopardy.”
“Um, yeah they’re on, my pants that is. Oh yea, lets play”.

“Now you’re talking Dan. So pick a category.”
“Lets go with “What Else Could Go Wrong “ for 50 Alex.”

“Good Choice Dan.”
“It’s the only category Alex.”

“Yes but none the less, here is your question”. “Dan you are traveling from Washington Dulles and your plane has changed gates. What obstacles await you”

“The new gate is not near a bar Alex?”
“Funny Dan but that is not the correct form or answer. Remember to answer in the form of a question.

The correct answer Dan would be “What is to get to the new gate you must either go back through security or take a shuttle that will take you to the new gate.  Once you get there you will find that the gate assignment has been changed back to the original gate. I hope you like shuttle busses Dan”.

“But I am not going to DC Alex.”
“Well lets face it, your final destination is a crapshoot Dan.”

“Quickly choose your next question Dan, we have more people to delay.”

“God forbid I get in the way of that Alex. I will choose , hmm, how about the next question in the same category for 100 Alex.”

“I sense sarcasm Dan.”
“Who me? Of course not, it’s more closer to smarminess”.

“Dan you are flying out of Kansas City. What exciting reason for a delay could be headed your way?”

“Your definition of exciting is different from mine Alex so I have no clue.”
“ Now you’re not even trying Dan.”
“Yea I’m sorry Alex, when it comes to airport delays I’m an underachiever.”

“Well Dan in this case your delay is due to your plane has no potable water. You can’t go anywhere when your bathrooms are out-of-order Dan.”

“Apparently  you also have a different definition of potable Alex, unless you are traveling with your dog.”
Now that you mention it Dan, it really is more smarminess than sarcasm. Choose your last question Dan. “

“Oh goody Alex. I choose……the next question for 150.”

“Dan you are traveling from Denver to Kansas City ,what uncomfortable situation could you be in?” “Well Alex, the fact that we are finally following my flight plan tells me that I am in for another delay. I hope it’s just a slight one”

“Well Dan you would be kind of, sort of, wrong. When you get to the airport you discover that your plane has changed gates. This in itself is just a minor inconvenience. When you get to the gate you find out that the plane has been delayed by 15 minutes.”

“So I was right Alex.”
“Dan haven’t you learned by now? It’s the old bait and switch. Once you get on the plane , runway delays will cause it to increase to 40 minutes.”

“Well that is still not too bad.”
“Your a half full kind of guy aren’t you Dan. There is one more part to this answer. There is no cool air flowing through the cabin and your plane is waiting with the sun shining on your side of the plane and from what I hear you’re a human furnace.”

“Oh swell Alex. That’s sarcasm by the way. I am having a hard time trying to fill the glass on this one Alex.”

“Let me help you with that Dan. This is a great chance to enjoy a sauna that you would normally pay for.” 

“ I am paying for it Alex. Believe me , I’m paying for it.”

Traveling Stooges Style

The three stooges. Most men love them, not too many women admit the same. I  contend that it depends on when the latter is questioned about this particular proclivity. I believe that a woman is much more inclined to admitting their love for the Stooges before giving birth. Afterwords I believe the fear of intervention from social services prevent them from telling the truth.  Watching them was fun , traveling like them would not be.

No matter what their mode of transportation was ,they always slept three to a bunk , chair or car.  Flying was not much of an option during those days. If it was they could have shared my recent experience.

Let’s face it. The one size fits all airline seats were designed when Mickey Rooney was that one size.  The standard airline seat requires that you fast  a week before traveling.  Is it an accident that cheaper tickets require a reservation at least one full week before departure? I think not.  The fact that the airlines manage to fill up the planes defies natural law and the fact that there are not more air marshal incidents  due to overcrowding is beyond me. I know I am not alone when I say that I hate the middle seat. When it comes to sitting in the middle seat,  I am an on the edge of being claustrophobic . This particular flight I was lucky and was assigned my preferred seat next to the window. The aisle seat was assigned to a  man about 2 1/2 Mickeys, I am about 2 Mickeys.  The person who would be taking up the middle seat was running late and giving me hope that there would be a buffer , allowing comfort for all involved. If he did arrive he was going to have to be somewhere between .75  to  1 Mickey.

Middle Guy , my official name for him during the flight , showed up just moments before they closed the airplane door. Judging by the look on his face as he first gazed upon his seat assignment it seemed he was silently cursing  the flight attendants sloth-like ability when it came to closing cabin doors, the failures of many people to get in his way during his terminal run or his own swift feet. Middle guy politely squeezed  into his seat and his position gradually evolved into  a more comfortable one, for him, leaning onto me.  For those of you who have followed my adventures on this story board, you know my one true super power. SPOILER ALERT ( I have always wanted to do that). For those of you who have just discovered my stories , I will reveal it now, but please go back and see what you missed. My superpower is that I can sleep anywhere , particularly if I am on something moving. It was at this time that I chose to deploy my power. What I can’t see , hear , or feel can’t hurt me. Probably a philosophy used by many in prison. My power did not fail me and I slept through snack and beverage time. In kindergarten that would have made me cranky but I have evolved. I woke up 2 hours later with the strange feeling that something had gone wrong.  I cleared the sleep from my eyes and noticed that middle guy was looking at me with trepidation, ok down right fear in his eyes.  When I caught his gaze he cautiously stated “ I have been really worried the last hour or so. I am sorry but I accidentally got mayonnaise* on your pants”. I  glanced down at the location of the mayo and approved of his decision not to try to clean it up while I was sleeping. I looked at middle guy and laughed and said” No worries,   They are just jeans”. Travel pants are a good idea. Besides I pictured him trying to squeeze mayo out of a packet with his right hand while trying not to elbow Aisle Guy and commiserated with his predicament.

Getting to the hotel I promptly attempted to wash out  the stains left on my pants. There were still noticeable spots. I was a little self-conscious about them on the return flight but nobody seemed to notice . Perhaps they were afraid to look at the laughing man staring at his pants and doing impressions of Curly. Nyuk , Nyuk, Woo Woo Woo.

*Thankfully it was the fake stuff, the egg in the real stuff would have gotten nasty.

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